Stuart fed voraciously, every two hours. He seemed almost permanently attached to me, but the proximity of this suckling infant did not make me feel maternal. I never wanted to hurt Stuart - i only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still. But i always wished I had never had him. I told Tony, but if he was concerned, he didn't show.
Basketball, is, my, favourite, sport, essay - 382 Words
While other mothers would be frantic with worry, i remained calm when the doctor whisked him business away. I sent Tony back to work and for the next four hours I waited without any apprehension. 'There is no doubt I grew to love stuart very much, and indeed still. But I wished I had never had him'. I did not really think about Stuart at all, until Tony returned after work and asked where he was. He was fine, of course, but when they wheeled him back into the ward I did not experience that sudden leap of the heart that new mums are expected to feel. Instead I sat down with a cup of tea and thought bleakly, 'what have i done?'. Back home, i resolved to breastfeed. I knew it would be best for Stuart and I think every mother should. But even during this intimate act, that elusive bond failed to form.
I felt no excitement as my due date approached. I had no compulsion to fill the nursery with toys, nor did I read parenting manuals or swap legs tips with friends. I focused on enjoying the last months of my freedom. Tony and I had a strong marriage - after 37 years, we still do - and I did not dread the effect of the baby on our relationship. Sure enough, we maintained an active and fulfilling sex life and made a date night each Friday when Tony's parents babysat. However, i did dread the encroachment of this demanding little being on my own independence. So, in may 1979, Stuart was born, blue in the face as the cord was wrapped round his neck.
I cannot understand mothers who insist they want children - especially those who undergo years of fertility treatment - then race back to work at the earliest opportunity after giving birth, leaving the vital job of caring for them to strangers. Isabella holds Baby jo and son Stuart in 1981 at Christmas. Why have them at all if you don't want to bring them up, or can't afford to? And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them? This hypocrisy is, in my view, far more pernicious and difficult to fathom than my own admission that my life would have been better without children. And here, perhaps, is the nub of it: I would not take on the job of motherhood and do it half-heartedly. Unlike so many would-be mums I thought hard about the responsibilities of my role, and, i believe, if more women did before rushing heedlessly into it, they might share my reservations. I was acutely aware that a child would usurp my independence and drain my finances.
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I hoped he'd change his mind. When we married, we bought the three-bedroom house in coventry that remains our home today. Tony pursued his passion for sports; my interests were more insular. I loved knitting, dressmaking and reading, and joined a book club. Tony worked then, as he still does, as a pattern maker in the car industry. I was a typist in an office for a telecoms company.
After a couple of years of marriage, tony began to ask whether I was still adamant that I didn't want children. In the end I relented because i loved him and felt it would be unfair of me to deny him the chance to be a dad. But there were provisos: if I was going to have children i knew absolutely minder - illogical as it may seem in view of my feelings - that i intended to raise them myself without any help from nannies or childminders. This wasn't a way of assuaging my guilt, because i felt none. It was simply that, having brought them into the world, i would do my best for them.
It's just that I have been honest - some may contend brutally so - and admitted to my true feelings. In doing so i have broken a supposedly inviolable law of nature. What kind of mother, after all, wishes she hadn't had children? I have never hidden the truth from my husband Tony, now. Resentment: Stuart was five days old when Isabella realised having a child had been the biggest mistake of her life. 'i resented the time my children consumed.
From the moment we decided we would be spending the rest of our lives together, i confessed I didn't want to start a family. We were childhood sweethearts. . we met when I was 12 and he was 16; he was my first and only love. I was 19 when I walked up the aisle, a joyful bride anticipating a happy life with the man i adored. But i knew even then children would be a sticking point. I didn't want any. We'd discussed the subject and I believe he thought I'd change my mind. I suppose he imagined, as my friends started having babies, the urge to become a mum would overwhelm.
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I'm one of shredder five siblings and was raised in a happy family by loving parents. Dad was in the Army; Mum, whom he met while posted in Germany, brought us up in the west Midlands. Mum and I were close; even as an adult I could always confide in her. My childhood was very happy and conventional. Like most little girls I played with dolls. But I never recall a time when I wanted those make-believe games of motherhood to become a reality. I know there are millions who will consider me heinously cold-blooded and unnatural, but I believe there will also be those who secretly year feel the same.
'you can't mean that?' but, of course,. To some, my life before i had the children may have seemed humdrum and my job as a typist was, it's true, fun not much of a career. So what was the great sacrifice, you might think? What i valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn't there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding. And i've never got that peace back. I don't know why i feel as.
would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children. Two years and four months after Stuart was born, i had my daughter. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one. Isabella dutton would have been happier not having children. I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but i knew I would care for jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I'd grown to love him. Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return. Whenever i've told friends I wished I'd never had them, they've gasped with shock.
Regrets: Isabella says database she has always wished she never had Stuart (left) jo (right pictured here in 1986. But although she had always wanted to remain childless, she approached motherhood with diligence and devotion. I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues. Quite simply, i had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled. I remember asking myself, 'is he really mine?' he could, quite literally, have been anyone's baby.
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Isabella dutton, 57, says she wishes she had remained childless 'i resented the business time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn't give back'. Published: 22:44 bst, updated: 05:25 bst, 5 February 2016. My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life. Even now, 33 years on, i can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn't yet woken. I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, i felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection. I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.